Saturday, July 14, 2007


By the time I got out of work, I didn't feel like going to the show. When I plan on going to some show, and don't go, I feel like a loser. I would have seen some people I haven't seen in years. To make up for it, I went to the street carnival until I ran out of film.

I feel left out and forgotten lately. The more I try, the more I miss. The more I try to make contact, the more I get left behind. The farther I reach, the further my intended catch. It's one of those scenarios that people, people with problems, use as a starting point for some kind of desperate act, maybe one of violence, but I can't imagine even acting out, turning that anxiety outward, but always inward. To curl up into a ball. I have all I need in my protective shell. That's how it manifests in me, and maybe that's an important difference among the troubled, and maybe that's why I haven't left my apartment yet on this sunny July saturday.
But I'm a grown-up, and grown-ups aren't supposed to run upstairs and hide in their room, and I don't even have an upstairs. Most grown-ups in an unsteady state go out and get drunk. Others do recreational drugs in a less than recreational manner to hide in their own way. Some make music. Some paint. Some take pictures.
What's so great about being a grown-up?
Who said it was great? It is what it is. Different. Either I feel confident and have nothing to prove, or I've given up on thinking I can change anything. I haven't decided yet. But it isn't necessarily better than you kids. I know it isn't worse. I've been there too.
But isn't there a next step? Does the fact that I'm asking this question prove there's hope for me yet? Bruce Allen would say so, or at least that it proves I'm not an existentialist. Anymore.

Now that I got the 2000 book done in mock-up, pasteboard form, I see what it's lacking, and I'm once again adding pictures. I guess sometimes it takes seeing it all laid out in front of you before realizing what's really important. But really isn't it all laid out in front of us all the time? Is it a matter of laying it out, or finding it all? This predictable, simplistic analogy for life isn't working for me.


Anonymous badnews said...

the shit is half as important when theres lots of it all around you. but when its mailed to you in its singular form, its the most imporatnt thing of the month/year.

which reminds me, ive fallen behind.

but i havent forgotten yr address.

should i be yr neighbor? im thinking about it.

5:09 PM  
Blogger josh said...

What's wrong with your current neighbors?

3:17 PM  

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