A Relationship.

We got together in my mind,
like so many of us do.
The whole thing happened already,
a product of recurring, idle thoughts.
I endowed you with unrealistic qualities,
or at least it seems that way
after tonight, in reality, at the bar.
But things went well in my mind.
It even ended well,
mutually coming to the conclusion that it had run its course.
We continued as best of friends,
each of our lives a perpetually open book for the other.
A dead giveaway it was all a fantasy.

Call back.

I called my bank because I screwed something up. The guy I talked to basically said I was fucked. I decided to call right back and see if I could get someone more helpful. The lady who answered this time talked it over with her supervisor, and pretty much said it could be taken care of. Always get a second opinion.

Right.

The worst part about a bar fight with some asshole is that you can't really win. You know you're right, but he'll never see it that way. Even if you beat him unconscious, he's not going to wake up and say, "ah yes, I see your point now." But this guy wouldn't leave. He just had to keep coming back and antagonizing one of the women I was sitting with, even after she clearly did not want to interact with him. Once her boyfriend returned, and heard the word "bitch" come out of this guys mouth, things quickly progressed to a "let's go outside" solution. Mark got up and followed, as did I, but first I put on my hat and coat. I figured it was really cold out there, and maybe warmth would give me an advantage. Dee thought this part was hilarious, and I think she's right. Things never got past the front door, and the guy left wondering out loud why everyone wanted to start a fight that night. This is the same guy who we watched start a fight with another guy over a pool game. "I'll end you," he kept saying. But no, it's not him. It's everyone else, right? I'm sure he continued on to the next bar he would cause trouble, muttering, no, loudly exclaiming his feelings about how the neighborhood's changed. Can't beat a guy like this, and in a way, I'm jealous. To go through life that blind and ignorant may be really easy. Never any questioning of your own path or values. Tremendous self confidence. A man who can't lose. A winner, in fact. Can't beat a guy like him.

Ice.

There is a heater pointed at the damp socks on my feet, and my shoes are next to the radiator. That can only mean I got caught in the first significant storm of the season. 5am walking back from some happening, trendy spot, with three cohorts, trying to take pictures, wondering is the all-electroninc camera I mistakenly brought out for the night will survive getting dripping wet while I try to make the best of it and get a picture to justify the ice down my back and in my shoes. All in all, not a bad time.

We had a little problem with the headliner, and not just because they were unbelievably boring. They had to get schooled a little bit by the PM about their selfishness. Why is it bands don't realize that being late and missing and all other kinds of oblivious just fucks up the other bands on the bill? One of the bands got screwed out of their sound check because of this headliner's self-centered view of the world. Can't support these kinds of people, even if they're good. Luckily, these guys weren't.

All thawed out now.

I was right.

At least I finally got to see Andrea.

There's a song I want to make a movie for. I want to write, direct, produce a movie just so I can put this song on the soundtrack. I want a scene where a character in the film puts this record on, and just sits there and listens. Maybe this person is sad. Crying a little. The song makes this person cry a little harder, but in a better, cathartic way. By the end of this song, we're no longer watching this person. The camera has moved on the something else. Something showing progress in this character's life, or just moving on as if nothing happened, because that's what most of us do. You really don't know who's been unbelievably sad the day before when you are staring at people at the bar or on the subway. Usually they just move on.

Every relationship will fail, except one.

Wooowoo!!! Parrrty!!! Yeah. That's what it's gonna be. Big party. In a bar. I have no idea what's gonna happen. I have no idea who's gonna be there. I can fantasize about it for weeks, and at the same time know none of it will come true. They never do. My fantasies are far too possible and logical and realistic for them to ever really happen. Life is always either stranger than I could imagine, or utterly boring. My fantasies are right down the middle.

Infamy.

I have now officially lost money trying to sell things on ebay. I somehow shipped the wrong things to a couple of people. It's gonna cost me to make it right. I hate cameras.

I finally realize how much a took for granted that I would just see everyone from work every other day or so. It's unhealthy in the long run. You lose the ability to find people outside of that context. Maybe it has to do with working in a bar, which gives you the impression that you are already out at the party, when you are really just at the office. So I'm learning how to have more "normal" interactions with my friends. I was never very good at that kind of thing. So who want's to hang out?

December.

This time of year everyone gets a pass. You can't do anything. The holidays and new year all fall together, and all momentum is stopped cold. Throw in some freezing rain, holiday parties for work, and I start to think the whole month should be eliminated. Actually, that would be redundant. Anyway, here's the latest:

Out is where the people are.

People. The people. That's all it's about, and all I want right now. Maybe it's not being in a position where I have to tolerate people I don't like like it was at the old place. Maybe I realized I can't take it for granted that I'll just see you at work tomorrow, and now I have to actually make an effort, and it feels so much more rewarding that way. There are so many of you, and I haven't kept within arm's reach of everyone, but I know where to find most of you, and I will find you. Eventually.